When you have time to sit and breathe; reflect, if you will; there might be that realization that it's time to make some legitimate changes to your life. Usually in these times it's also easy to have thoughts dawn on you that haven't surfaced in years.
Sitting on my back porch, playing endless amounts of The Beatles on repeat, smoking cigarette after cigarette, I knew it was time to change. This whole life on fast forward thing is just tiresome. To have story after story about guy to guy to girl to guy is an annoying song and dance. The redundant "man I was so drunk last night" line echoing over and over again.
The plan to quit drinking came from a two night stint of stupid mistakes. The precipice of depression waiting for me. One night leaving me angry, then another sitting on a porch rambling at a friend about my life's mistakes. He could only reply to my wailing with "just stop". That is what I needed to hear. No real advice. No interjections. Just stop.
I guess it's helpful knowing there's someone else out there not doing the same as every friend I have. Someone who will be just as fun while sobriety kicks in. Someone to make fun of me. "You drunk yet?" being the text I get other than "How are you? Holding up ok?" Because I'm not really. But I'm not drunk either.
Losing track of emotions is the first step when you decide to take away a coping mechanism. I sit and try and remember what I used to do before I discovered the liquid socialization. My honesty juice. My self-esteem booster. The only answer is the lack of all of that I had before. So changes continue. Be more honest, courageous, happy with myself.
While this may sound more like something to go into an AA journal, but it's important to keep track of all your stupid emotions. So fuck it.
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