Stupid. I am just plain stupid.
It's sickening how much I would give at this point to have someone care enough about me to see what I am up to. To know they would read this to check up on me.
I am a gigantic idiot. Trying to vie for attention, thinking something in high fidelity likeliness might happen. I can't believe I trusted I was a real friend. I would never do what others did, but to lump me in such a group.
It hurts, you idiot. Why? Why am I the person that needs to be forced to see the truth without any warning? Just because I'm observant doesn't make me any more prepared for something I haven't had access to see in the past week or so.
You hurt me more. Congrats. I told you. You made my basis for a good man before, now I have nothing.
8.5.11
instant vertigo
'Cause I opened my eyes wide
-and I'm screaming at the top of my lungs.
Screaming,
I can't stop.
The world can't stop, never slows down.
Just going faster
And faster
and faster and faster and faster and faster
Till I'm dizzy
Spinning and laughing.
The blur of color
Breathing, choking, coughing,
It's there
Graspable.
Because when the booze wears off
and the ash is swirling
with ten thousand cigarettes littering the floor
You know it's done.
The smiles wear down.
Crumble, crack.
The heart stops pounding,
the eyes go cold.
And a new day must begin.
-and I'm screaming at the top of my lungs.
Screaming,
I can't stop.
The world can't stop, never slows down.
Just going faster
And faster
and faster and faster and faster and faster
Till I'm dizzy
Spinning and laughing.
The blur of color
Breathing, choking, coughing,
It's there
Graspable.
Because when the booze wears off
and the ash is swirling
with ten thousand cigarettes littering the floor
You know it's done.
The smiles wear down.
Crumble, crack.
The heart stops pounding,
the eyes go cold.
And a new day must begin.
7.5.11
Why that one good piece of advice changes everything
So the deal, that real deal, is that I am a girl. Yes, shocker. Lo an behold, I have to fucking admit it. Oop, and lookie here, I also am slightly anxious. Surprise, surprise.
So I took that Xanax and it kicked in fifteen minutes into a conversation.
And the advice was given that I'm sure I needed to hear. "Just be honest. Just have that important conversation". It was necessary. And here's why. Not because it was right, but because it was strong. No, I'm not going to follow it. I'm going to let it lie. I'm going to let things pass. Because really, honestly, truly, I do not want to waste any more time. At all. Nope. Not doing it.
Sure if a few weeks pass and there is no word, I might think about it again. But until then, there's this life I have, see? And there's a lot of people who care about me. And if I keep sitting and moping and panicking over gaddamn nothing (because believe me, it's always nothing) then I'm not going to move forward in anything.
So here's the answer, if anyone cares to know: there's no one I am going to put more energy into any longer. If they want me, they can come and find me, but until then, I am back to being the person I would like to be. Staying productive, improving myself, and succeeding with everything that is way more important than sex and/or flutter.
So I took that Xanax and it kicked in fifteen minutes into a conversation.
And the advice was given that I'm sure I needed to hear. "Just be honest. Just have that important conversation". It was necessary. And here's why. Not because it was right, but because it was strong. No, I'm not going to follow it. I'm going to let it lie. I'm going to let things pass. Because really, honestly, truly, I do not want to waste any more time. At all. Nope. Not doing it.
Sure if a few weeks pass and there is no word, I might think about it again. But until then, there's this life I have, see? And there's a lot of people who care about me. And if I keep sitting and moping and panicking over gaddamn nothing (because believe me, it's always nothing) then I'm not going to move forward in anything.
So here's the answer, if anyone cares to know: there's no one I am going to put more energy into any longer. If they want me, they can come and find me, but until then, I am back to being the person I would like to be. Staying productive, improving myself, and succeeding with everything that is way more important than sex and/or flutter.
1.5.11
Ovaries ruin absolutely everything...
So it's that moment you met someone you actually want to give time to. That moment you sit down and go, "wow, I'm not indifferent for once." That's the moment you should try and turn off your soon to be cracked out on what I like to call "ovary inspired crazy time" which isn't actually what it sounds like, just merely the moment your girl side tries to take over and makes you absolutely insane with questions like "why hasn't he called yrt?" "does he really like me or is this all a game?" "is h in this for a relationship? should i ask him now?"
All of these questions are retarded. Why can't girls just sit back and let shit happen? Why are we in a stupid goddamn rush to get into something? We scare them away, people! The minute your crazy shows even in the littlest way, we are immediately looked at in a different light.
All of these questions are retarded. Why can't girls just sit back and let shit happen? Why are we in a stupid goddamn rush to get into something? We scare them away, people! The minute your crazy shows even in the littlest way, we are immediately looked at in a different light.
29.4.11
The formula is correct
I am under this new suspicion that I may have a problem. I may have an issue with being both impatient and all or nothing. I want easy. I want honesty. I want bluntness. I want relationship.
There's this world, a fantasy world that I am living in. This world consists of people willing to be honest with me and themselves. It's a world where I don't have to sit and wait for a guy to hang out with me. It's a world where I can immediately have that flutter feeling again without the anxious uncomfortable feeling of waiting to know what's going on.
This is manic city.
The confusion/bullshit of dating. I hate it. I hate the preemptive "i want to hang with you". I hate the un-assuredness of should I say something, should I wait. Two weeks is plenty for me to know whether or not I want to be near someone all the time. Kiss them. Cuddle them. Etc.
This is where it gets more confusing.
I know someone who is blunt. I know someone who is easy to talk to, whom I like pretty much. I'm sure I could date them. I liked them before. I would have to wait forever.
Enter someone else.
This one is available. I know them less. They are more awkward. I have a flutter. I don't know how to read said person. He says he likes me, but has only said it while drunk.
I'm sure this is the part I should just turn off my brain and wait things out, but I have ovaries which means I continuously over-think and over-analyze everything.
There's this world, a fantasy world that I am living in. This world consists of people willing to be honest with me and themselves. It's a world where I don't have to sit and wait for a guy to hang out with me. It's a world where I can immediately have that flutter feeling again without the anxious uncomfortable feeling of waiting to know what's going on.
This is manic city.
The confusion/bullshit of dating. I hate it. I hate the preemptive "i want to hang with you". I hate the un-assuredness of should I say something, should I wait. Two weeks is plenty for me to know whether or not I want to be near someone all the time. Kiss them. Cuddle them. Etc.
This is where it gets more confusing.
I know someone who is blunt. I know someone who is easy to talk to, whom I like pretty much. I'm sure I could date them. I liked them before. I would have to wait forever.
Enter someone else.
This one is available. I know them less. They are more awkward. I have a flutter. I don't know how to read said person. He says he likes me, but has only said it while drunk.
I'm sure this is the part I should just turn off my brain and wait things out, but I have ovaries which means I continuously over-think and over-analyze everything.
28.4.11
Guy on Couch syndrome
I'm dizzy. Dizzy from a lack of sleep, lack of food, getting sick, too much alcohol, too many cigarettes? The answer is in the question.
It has been an eternity of how life has been. Letting myself settle into a routine of easy self destruction and losing faith in the opposite sex. One one night stand after the next, falling for someone and realizing the loss in a span of 24 hours.
It took me a year to learn drunk post-bar fucking is not a plausible start to a relationship. After that, it was just failed attempts at making a false connection with someone who actually wanted to be with me. It took me six months to stop. Just stop and watch everyone around me.
I am apparently an advice guru on dating. I'm not quite sure how that revelation was made of my friends, but now I am the one they assume knows the answer. I guess I have dated plenty at this point. I'm really good at dating. Not so great at the step once it turns into more than that. They asked me to hold a seminar for them. I asked for a seminar in relationships.
I was doing so well until today. Losing weight. Telling people who were bad for me to kick rocks. Stopped drinking.
I made it two weeks. Two weeks of sobriety. And you know what? It felt like a real accomplishment. Then my pseudo AA sponsor wasn't there and I wanted a beer.
It wasn't bad, drinking. Better moods supplied an easier ordeal with that. It helped that I had met someone and I didn't want to say no to a beer. But reality finally hit again today. After a three day stint of drunk, feeling sorry for myself then stoked on life. I am right back in confusion.
I don't like this feeling. I don't understand it. I had cut off feeling for a while. I had managed to cut off some sort of ability to feel more emotion than infatuation. Now that I have the ability again, this thing for another human being feeling where I just want to be near him, now comes the crazy again.
Well, the AA sponsor is back in town. A good night of sober pool and wandering will do me well.
It has been an eternity of how life has been. Letting myself settle into a routine of easy self destruction and losing faith in the opposite sex. One one night stand after the next, falling for someone and realizing the loss in a span of 24 hours.
It took me a year to learn drunk post-bar fucking is not a plausible start to a relationship. After that, it was just failed attempts at making a false connection with someone who actually wanted to be with me. It took me six months to stop. Just stop and watch everyone around me.
I am apparently an advice guru on dating. I'm not quite sure how that revelation was made of my friends, but now I am the one they assume knows the answer. I guess I have dated plenty at this point. I'm really good at dating. Not so great at the step once it turns into more than that. They asked me to hold a seminar for them. I asked for a seminar in relationships.
I was doing so well until today. Losing weight. Telling people who were bad for me to kick rocks. Stopped drinking.
I made it two weeks. Two weeks of sobriety. And you know what? It felt like a real accomplishment. Then my pseudo AA sponsor wasn't there and I wanted a beer.
It wasn't bad, drinking. Better moods supplied an easier ordeal with that. It helped that I had met someone and I didn't want to say no to a beer. But reality finally hit again today. After a three day stint of drunk, feeling sorry for myself then stoked on life. I am right back in confusion.
I don't like this feeling. I don't understand it. I had cut off feeling for a while. I had managed to cut off some sort of ability to feel more emotion than infatuation. Now that I have the ability again, this thing for another human being feeling where I just want to be near him, now comes the crazy again.
Well, the AA sponsor is back in town. A good night of sober pool and wandering will do me well.
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